Recently, I was talking to a good friend of mine when I admitted that the main force behind me communicating how challenging my life circumstances are is the need to put limits on what others can expect out of me. I believe that we were designed by a perfect Creator to have limitless relationships. We are created to fellowship with and care for one another. Our need for each other is never met because God crafted us in such a way that we will continue to return to one another and to Him.
As a single graduate student, my life looks very different than most. I'm not in "college" but I'm also not living with the same types of freedom as my adult friends. Especially since student teaching started, my resources across all domains (time, energy, emotions, money) have been drained. When I'm running on empty, my knee-jerk reaction is to be extremely conservative with whatever is left in my dwindling tank. The only way that I know how to effectively get people from tapping into my almost-non-existent resources is to tell them how hard my life is or how busy I am. The result of this type of communication is that I end up viewing my life through a raw and painful lens. I am committed to always communicating truth. I avoid drama and seek to see things as they really are. However, when I evaluate the reality of my life through this raw and painful lens, it's what I end up believing. Although it is truth, it's not the only kind of truth that exists in my life.
I was not created to be defined by the things in my life that keep me vulnerable and exposed. I was created to be defined by my creator and His raw vulnerability is the very place my life comes from.
I still don't know how to reconcile how to welcome people in my life with the responsibilities of the extraneous tasks before me, but I do know that Gods intention is not for me to only see the raw and the painful. There is beauty, hope and purpose woven intentionally through my life. It's there regardless of whether or not I acknowledge it.
So, where do I go from here? About two days ago, I began to pray and ask the Lord what kind of a response He wants me to have to this new insight. As I have listened and waited, it's clear that I don't know what the Lord has in store for me, but I want to be in a position to believe that it's good. I felt the Lord prompting me to lay aside my raw and painful lens and trust Him to construct my life the way He desires. He is the author of beauty and I want my life to be beautiful.
Over the last six years, God has very obviously and very intentionally shed a lot of things from my life. Because I chose to follow Christ at very young age, God hasn't shed stereotypical things from my life like redeeming from sin involving addiction, however, the transformation has been just as significant. I know that God's desire for me is to make me like His Son. As sweet as the Lord is, the process of sanctification often stretches our faith further than it's ever been stretched and removes parts of our lives that we enjoy. There are so many days where I feel like God has removed my life instead of giving me life or restoring my life. It's been heartbreaking but I know that Gods wisdom is infinite while my wisdom is finite. God holds my every moment. His intentions for me are good and He's worthy of trust.
No comments:
Post a Comment